Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Grasping at Straws: Part 2

"Is that Viagra in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"  BOTH!

So here I am...early on in the offically dubbed "clean out the freezer" FET#3.  Baseline ultrasound problems.   Started estrogen pills and patches.....and Viagra vaginal suppositories.  Well actually....they're generic Viagra because they're $2/pill compared to $25/pill.  Throughout my extensive experience (at this point) I've had thin endometrium during the IVF cycle, low-normal during FET#1 and normal on FET#2 but that was AFTER an endometrial biopsy. my research during my "break" month I found some articles that say Viagra can help women with thin lining.  Say what?  Basically it works for women in the same way it does for interacting with smooth muscles around vessels of the reproductive tract and thereby increasing blood flow to the reproductive organs.   We know the outcome in men....but for some women.....this increased blood flow can nurture a thicker healthier/happier endometrium.

So now I su-posit 3 rocket shaped suppositories into my vajayjay (one 3x/day) for the next two to three weeks.  This means this process must occur at work....and so yes....I have Viagra in my pocket (how is that weird?).  I also found that the little applicator tube that comes with Pre-Seed lubricant works perfectly for this project.  Seriously....the crazy things I've done (or am doing) that would have NEVER imagined.

As the title suggests....I'm grasping at straws.  Yes...I know.  My latest career idea has gone up in flames and I'll likely be unemployed in 9 months.  This means I can in NO WAY spend our life savings on IVF#2.  Of my 12 female coworkers FOUR are of which is an office-mate and so I get to see the daily bump progression.  And this morning I got into the elevator with a woman in labor.  So.....dear universe....if you've been waiting for the exact time to throw the Hail Mary football pass.....WAKE UP....because the time is now!

UPDATE:  On my other straw grasping.....I've survived 2 weeks as a gluten free vegetarian.  It's REALLY tough for me to do....but I'm doing it.  I would be elated to continue gluten free living for 9 more months....if only I could get that elusive BFP.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Toughest Battles

I’ve seen a few bloggers mention the crisis that Holly and Darren are experiencing at “Oh Baby Baby” (
I am not a religious person and just borderline spiritual and yet I’ve prayed for their family and continue to do so.  The unfairness of infertility continues to astound me.  We deserve AT LEAST a one trimester pass for every year that we have struggled with infertility and loss. I cannot imagine what they are going through.

I must admit that when fellow infertiles win the baby lottery I do stop officially “following” their blog….but not because I no longer care.  It’s just that I must manage my exposure to pregnancy updates and bump pictures in any way possible so I can at least pretend to be a functional human being.  Some days I can handle the updates…and some days I can’t.  But I continue to follow along on their journeys.  On my good days I cheer them on and on my worst days I am reminded that there is a path out of the darkness…because they have made it out (and maybe one day I can too).  And I HATE to have to add them back to my follow list because of loss.  

Holly’s story also shakes me on a more personal level as someone who has yet to even achieve a pregnancy.  I’m often reminded that sadly, the war is not won simply with a positive pee stick.

I want to have hope again!  I want all of us to win the baby lottery!  And right now…. I want to follow Holly’s journey for another three months as she continues to grow and gives birth to healthy beautiful twins!  

Please send Holly and Darren your positive thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Grasping at Straws: Part 1

Hello to everyone!
So I'm 3/4 through my take a break cycle following 3 (more) unsuccessful Femara cycles.  So not very much least not directly.  A break month has, however, allowed me to do more research on unexplained infertility.  First seems that most people in this waste-land diagnostic group end up successful and have a baby.  Which brought me back to MY reality in which I' this point....a professional cycle failer.  So here's what I've been cooking up.

Celiac Disease?  
So celiac disease is (in simple terms) when you body makes antibodies to wheat and wheat products.  It is considered an autoimmune disease because the small intestine can be damaged by the immune response to wheat.  And if you haven't read a food label lately....wheat seems like it is in ALMOST everything.  In the article "Undiagnosed celiac disease in women with infertility" by Machado et al ( it was found that the rate of celiac disease in infertiles is over double that of the general population.  AND in unexplained infertiles it was as high as 10% (very small sample set).  Another article focused on unexplained infertility.  Increased prevalence of celiac disease in patients with unexplained infertility in the US by Choi et al, ( had a larger sample and found that the rate of celiacs in unexplained infertility is 5.9%. 

I have no direct symptoms that would make me think I have celiac (diarrhea, severe weight loss, nutritional deficiencies).  BUT "it is estimated that 83% of Americans who have celiac disease are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed with other conditions" according to a cecliac education site (  The exact mechanism by which celiac can contribute to infertility is not fully determined but is thought to be either nutrition deficiencies due to the irritated bowel or because the immune system is so reved up that it even attacks embryos/babies (common idea linked to many autoimmune diseases).

So my first (Part 1) grasp at straws is that I am attempting to go wheat/gluten free.  It may seem like a simple food modification but is really HUGE.  Because I'm a vegetarian I'd say that AT LEAST 50% (if not 75%) of the foods I routinely eat have wheat/gluten because it's in all of the fake meat products.'s close to free to try.  I figure I'd give it til which time I'll know the results of our final FET.  I might try and actually get tested for celiac.  It's a blood test looking for three different antibodies that are made against the various by-products of wheat.  I'll see what my RE has to say about it at my baseline ultrasound in a week and a half..  That's right....yet another FET on the horizon.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Libster pass it on :o)

Thanks for the shout out from Marcy at who says that, "The word liebster is German and translates to sweetest or dearest." The idea behind the blog is to build a network of support and link up fellow bloggers."

This is my first lets do this...why not!

11 Random Random Facts About Me:
1)  I've kept a journal since 1999.  Yeah...a little cheesy but it's been like a blog before I had a blog.  Very cheap therapy. :o)  Over those 14 years I've often went back and read entries and found them all of funny, amusing, shocking, and horrifying.  My journals are my original misadventures of the well intentioned.

2)  Vegetarian for the past 17 years.  It works for me.  Even though my Dad still offers me a steak when I go home...just in case I change my mind.  I eat eggs and cheese but no seafood.

3)  Voted wittiest high school superlative.  It's a nice way of saying I'm a smart ass.  I still haven't out grown that! :o)

4)  One hallmark Christmas ornament per year.  I write out a note card that summarizes the year's major events and goals for the upcoming year.  I've been doing this since 1998.

5)  In about two weeks it will be my 5 year dating anniversary with HB.  And what an amazing 5 years they have been!  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have met and married him! 

6)  I really want to grow a vegetable garden one day.

7)  I hate clothes shopping.  I just hate spending the time and money involved in clothes shopping.  I'm not very fashionable...and yet I'm also very picky at the same time.  It's torture for all involved.

8)  Cat person.  I don't dislike dogs by any means I just prefer the independence, defiance, arrogance, and genuine love that our two cats provide.  I like that cat's don't try so hard to be liked. HB and I have two 18lb, overweight cats, and we love them so much!

9)  I've seen U2 live in concert...twice.  AMAZING!

10)  I name my cars.  George, Al Smith, and now Clover.

11)  I'm going to see the Book of Mormon play in early 2014.  Tickets have already been purchased!

Answers to 11 questions:
1. What song cheers you up?
  Just one...sheesh.   Hakuna Matata from the Lion King soundtrack
2. What age was your favorite so far? 
2. What is your best feature on your body?
  Hmm.  I have nice hands and fingernails
3. How did you meet your significant other?
  We were actually set up by friends on kind of a blind date at a group trivia night.  
4.  What makes you feel loved or appreciated?
  Being told thank you and hugs
5.  What age where you when you had your first kiss?
  16 (very late bloomer)
6. What organizations or activities were you involved in as a child?
7. If you were to travel back in time, what year would you go to and why?
  1970.  It just seems to be a simpler time.    
8. What Halloween costume have you worn in the past that was a big success?
  Honey Badger!
9. Do you think space exploration will find other life forms during our lifetime?
10. Do you consider yourself a morning person or a night owl and has it changed with age?
  Morning person

11 Questions to be Answered by Nominees:
1)  Cat or dog person and why?
2)  What's the best concert you've ever seen?
3)  What's your favorite family tradition?
4)  What's the weirdest food you've ever eaten?
5)  What's your favorite adult beverage (alcoholic)?
6)  Do you believe in karma?
7)  If you HAD to dress up for Halloween this year...what/who would you be?
8)  What's the coolest place you've traveled internationally?
9)  Introvert or extrovert?
10)  You have $500 that you must spend on yourself only...what would you buy?
11)  Would you prefer the movie, play, or book version?
Nominate 11 Bloggers:

My nominee described this as a kind of chain letter....which is a perfect analogy.  So, no hard feelings if people would prefer not to pass it on.  Even though I am sometime slack about commenting...I really do enjoy reading all of these ladies blogs and several more!

Happy blogging!