Thursday, August 29, 2013

The luckiest....


Any regular blog readers might wonder if it's all doom and gloom around here?  OF COURSE not!  Like many bloggers I use this space for my personal rantings.  The past month has brought several poignant moments.  One of my current co-workers (G) also went to school with me 8 years ago.  I remember her talking about how she wanted to have five children.  At the time, 8 yrs ago, single, and broke (now I'm married and broke)...I'd joke with her that if I got pregnant she could have my baby.  Now she is still single and never mentions wanting to have children....much less five.  I see her stare a Facebook and I wonder if the engagement announcements sting her as much as birth announcements sting me? 

I know that I am one of the lucky ones. I try and remind HB how grateful I am for him every day.  I truly found my prince charming (in an equal partner sort of way...not in a "you rescued me and now you're my entire life" sort of way).  And even infertility has not chipped away at our amazing love and friendship and in some ways we may be even closer in that we've been "fighting a common enemy" (go ahead and puke!).  But "I....am....the luckiest" (Ben Folds, Luckiest).  We played the song at our wedding and I still happy-cry listening to it!  Go to youtube and you can cry too (as if infertile ladies need to do any more crying-LOL) :o)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=f9bRmuP-kQY
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am the luckiest

BUT....I can understand how marriages could be negatively impacted by such a stressful situation as infertility.  I often wonder if infertility is related to my impending career implosion?  I would never say that infertility directly "caused" my career failure but I look at infertility like a boulder sized rock that weighs upon ALL aspects of your life.  If there is even the slightest weakness....even a tiny little fissure....it will crack into pieces under the stress of infertility.  

In my field of work I see cancer patient's every day, many of whom are kids.  I greeted a lady in an elevator who was on her way to a follow up appointment with her doctor.  I already knew that she had cancer and was about to be told at that appointment.  I thought how much her life was about to forever change and that the moment in the elevator might be the last time her life felt "normal". 

So "yes"...the blog can be a little ranty/snarky/sarcastic/doom and glooom.  And YES....my career was a little fractured before infertility started....and so it's an accidental casualty to the infertility boulder that we're still trying to escape from.  But....I HOPE that no matter what happens.... I never forget how lucky I am. :o)

Monday, August 19, 2013

More False Starts?

Greetings Blogosphere.  I've read a few posts lately about miscarriage in relation to infertility.  I wanted to share my perspecctive on the topic.  I will start by saying that despite the aggressive 2 years of attempts that I have NEVER had a miscarriage (which many people will likely take as I am no longer capable of having an opinion on said topic and have already stopped reading--fine).

I guess I'm writting a bit out of fear....FEAR that in order to get out of this level of Dante's Inferno that I will have to undergo at least one miscarriage.  I really canNOT imagine.  Just as a person who got pregnant with twins on thier second month of trying could ever understand infertility.  I feel this way partially because of statistics and partially because SO many infertile ladies have suffered through the sad reality of miscarriage.

And now....the potentially controversial opinion.  From the perspective of having NEVER been more pregnant than a beta of 22 (never even formed a proper line on HPT)....A miscarriage would actually seem like a sad and tragic step FORWARD in the plight against recurrent implantation failure. (please hold the boos and hisses).  I am NOT saying that I would be happy to miscarry...who in their right mind would say or believe such a thing?  I'm only saying that between the choices of a beta of 22 (or <1 which is my usual outcome) or actually making it to an ultrasound appointment...at this low point...I'd choose the latter.  Because right now I have such little faith in my body...making it past a 22 beta would be a "so you're saying there's a chance".

Let me also make really clear that I'm not saying that miscarriage survivors should (or are even capable) of feeling the same way.  And like most life events.... if I had to go through such a loss....I would possibly feel very differently about it.  I also think that miscarriage....and even chemical pregnancies are a unique experence for each person.  For example, concerning my chemical pregnancy...I really don't even consider that I was pregnant!  But.....I've also read several blog entries that related to a chemical pregnancy like the loss of a child.....and that was their way of grieving.  I think a lot of it depends on the specific circumstances and the individuals involved.

I also feel this way because when I flip through the timelines of the lucky ladies who have graduated to pregnancy it seems that they have almost always experienced a miscarriage or two in the past.  It's almost like you need a few false starts to get up the hill.  But I haven't had any false starts....I feel like my race car is still in the garage on blocks instead of tires.  At this point... I feel like my odds of getting pregnant are competitive with those of a frisky virgin.  Please proceed to an open window to place your bets!

Monday, August 5, 2013

If failing were a job...I just got a promotion!

CNN does a daily "5 things you should know" to summarize the news into desecrate sound bites...and that is the goal for today's post (read:  justifying why this post will be ALL over the place--LOL)

1)  If failing were a job...I would have just gotten a huge promotion.  *sigh*  So the results are in.  The biggest professional exam of my entire career....and I failed it...BIG TIME.  I'm not saying this in a shocked tone because I knew I'd failed it.  I hardly was able to focus long enough to even study for the damn thing.  In the 6 months I was supposed to be studying we went through our last IUI, a fesh IVF, an endometrial biopsy, and two FET.  With nothing to show for it.  So yeah...can't say I had my head in the game.  But this is the kind of two day long, mind f*&^ test that even if I HAD been on my "A" game...I still might not have passed....I'll never know.  Now I get to hear all of my friends celebrate their happy news and post their letters of congrats on their Facebook and pin boards (sound familiar)...while I'm on the outside looking in.  All the while I try to be evasive and yet not lie.  I was already congratulated for passing (although I NEVER said I passed)...I just said "thanks".  A lie of omission?  Yes...but until I figure out my next step...I have to play my hand close to the chest...and that unfortunately means some partial truths and omissions.

I am just so FN tired of failing over and over again with infertility and now failing professionally too. This is but one part of my motivation to find a better "fit" in a career.  Something I can actually do, be proud of, and not not feel like a freaking idiot...EVERYDAY! 

2)  We were right on the timing...but off on the result.  Last cycle I never got the LH smiley face...which of course pissed me off.  But for about 10 seconds after I got AF on her usual schedule I thought "oh good...we got our timing right"....and then it dawned on me....that it clearly didn't matter. Duh!  Since the cycle length was "normal" for me...I'm going with Femara again this month.  Whatever!

3)  Unbreakable until......bullshit.  N's newborn baby is doing great.  I stopped by last week and brought her some preemie clothes.  Overall I think I've been handling "the situation" pretty well.  N has a dog that had been removed from the house for the past few weeks around the time that baby was born and just returned home last week.  SO...when I saw this article "How to add a baby to a dog household" http://shine.yahoo.com/pets/add-baby-dog-household-142900834.html I of course clicked on it to try and learn some pointers for N (because she's breast feeding literally 20 hours a day).  So clickity click...and I read the first line of the article: "Babies, the saying goes, complete a household, make life worth living, and bring a sense of joy and vibrancy, hope and promise of a bright future."  And....I'M DONE.  Needless to say...I have no idea what the article said...I never got over the fact that my "life isn't worth living without a baby" bullshit (and NO...I don't believe that spew!)

4)  Attacked by COBRA (not a cobra).  The Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA) is basically a law that allows you to continue your insurance coverage even after you have left a job.  It is very pricey because you must pay the full premium (your part AND whatever your previous employer contributed).  I received some paperwork about this plan and started having delusions of continuing COBRA at $500/mo and doing a fresh IVF in November (instead of planned transfer of the 3 less than stellar embryos).  Well I contacted the insurance company...only to find...of the $15K lifetime payout of the policy.....we've already used $13.5K. *Sigh*  So we'd have to pay at least $2.5K for $1.5K of insurance coverage...which MIGHT help a little with the big write-downs that insurance companies get.  But needless to say...my little hope balloon was popped (and of course I know how fortunate I was/am to have had any coverage--so please...don't go there).  I mostly mention it because there might be other ladies who have lost insurance with infertility coverage...definitely look into COBRA.

5)  One more step closer to an escape plan.  As my subtitle states...I'm dealing with a career crisis of 10 outta 10 proportions.  BUT...despite the smack down of #1...I did take one more baby step closer to an escape.  I had to take a CLEP (College Level Examination Program) test for a per-requisite for a program that I am seriously considering applying for. And I passed (hold your applause).  Compared to the test that I failed in #1...this one was more like "spell your first name and tie your shoe"...good job...you passed.  It's just an undergraduate level course...but at least it's done and now I have 100% of the required per-requisites.  One step closer to...moving on.

Well....those are top 5 stories for the past few weeks.....here....on CNN.com :o)