Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Three Strikes...We're out

Negative Beta.

I am no longer capable of believing that pregnancy is a real possibility for us.

I have a WTF/H appointment on Thursday.  Insurance runs out on Sunday...so I really don't know how useful the appointment will be...or can be.

Everything went great with meeting N yesterday for dinner.  I'll update more...later

Best wishes to all the ladies still chasing their BFP.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Confessions of my Multimedia Self-torture and Dread

Oh where to begin?
BOOK:  A friend recommended a teen-lit book years ago (he also recommended Hunger Games before it went big)...so I saw the book at my local used book store and snapped it up.  It's called Matched by Ally Condie...well ladies...let me provide an INFERTILITY WARNING!  Without giving too much away...it's a post apocalyptic society and all decisions of the citizens are made by what's deemed best for the "society".  For example...you're matched to a partner at age 17, must marry by 24 and the KICKER....can only have children from 24 to 31 years old!!!  I read this and cringed!

INTERNET #1:  We had a game night with friends, which we love doing.  My HB did the invite over Facebook...so...of course I was dumb enough to log onto Facebook to check who had RSVPd.  I've read many many infertility blog posts on the hell of Facebook (and have composed my own for another day). Wow...yeah...yet another pregnancy announcement (her third child)...like I COULDN'T have seen that coming.

INTERNET #2:  The Kardashian spawn has descended upon the planet...yippie FN skippie.  It has been with gritted teeth I've somehow made it through pregnancies of Snookie, Jessica Simpson (TWICE), Kardashians, Beyonce, the Dugger spawn, Halle Berry (natural at 46yo…I think not), Fergie…even Derya Sert, a 22yo who was born without a uterus was able to get pregnant!  Well…you get the point…the list keeps growing because I keep…failing.

But…of all the baby bumps bouncing across my computer screen the worst for me is Kate Middleton.  Don’t get me wrong…I think she is an amazing and classy lady and she even seems fun.  BUT…she and Princess William got married around the same time as my HB and I did and we’re close in age.  And so…for quite awhile she was my go-to-girl to make me feel a little better about infertility.  I’d think…”at least Kate’s not pregnant”.  But of course that only lasted about 1.5 years.  And now I get daily inundation of the royal bump and every detail about it.  I no longer have a go-to-girl.  According to forums (that I never actually post on but read…hello I’m an introvert)…I’ll soon be graduating to LTTTC (Long term trying to conceive = > 2 years).  This basically seems to mean that I’m being put out to pasture…guess it’s better than the glue factory (?)

Newlyweds The First YearTV:  In my terrible TV marathon I found a new series on-demand called Newlyweds...that chronicles the first year of marriage of four couples.  It's entertaining.  But OF COURSE...one of the ladies is one month  pregnant....3 weeks into her new marriage.  *SIGH*

UPDATES FROM INFERTILE LAND:  So tomorrow's the big day (Beta testing)!  I want to document for the record that I'll be shocked if it's positive.  I have NO symptoms that can actually be attributed to a successful implantation/pregnancy.  Who is lucky enough to get implantation bleeding anyway?  Probably the women who conceive in month 3 and were frustrated it took so long.  And it's not like I haven't been on the look out for symptoms and trust me....I'd know if my boobs were even a tiny bit bigger.  All of my pelvic "twinges" are followed by gas or a bowel movement (you totally wanted to know that...don't lie).  Both of my butt cheeks hurt...is that a pregnancy symptom?  No?  Oh...that's from the 2 weeks of PIO injections (never mind).  Between my neck and chest I have enough zits to complete a rather complex connect the dots....it'd be something like a unicorn jumping over a rainbow...but even worse...that isn't unusual for me on this TTC journey.  So for all of those people who "just knew they were pregnant"....I'm jealous.

Also...later today I'm meeting with N (good friend that I was going to live with next year but now she's 7.5 months pregnant).  I have to tell her that I'm not going to live with her and I hate awkward conversations like this.  I don't want to lose this friend.  I think the general points are that I'm just not strong enough to live in a house with a friend's newborn baby.  It's not because I'm not happy for them...I'm just so overwhelmingly sad for myself.  And it's their first child...I really just don't want to be there interfering in their new family dynamic.  But uggg....how I'm dreading this conversation.  I hope she understands....  So en lieu of that awesome dread I feel obligated to go out and find a "baby thing" to take N as a gift.  Hopefully I can do so without a bucket of tears.  I want to be as good of a friend as I can...and besides....my brother and SIL are due in December...so I need to work on my mask...perfect my smile and turn off my tears.  I'll mimic the people around me (like Dexter the friendly serial killer).

Friday, June 21, 2013

What's it gonna be? Third time's a charm or three strikes and I'm out?

What's it gonna be?  That's really the main question that's been circling in my brain.  Now 4DP6D FET (4 days post a 6 day frozen embryo transfer) and I just want the uncertainty and gray zone of this time to be over...and on Tuesday it will be (hopefully).  In or out?  I hope the result is that simple.  In good news the bar is very low...the "closest" I've gotten to success was a chemical with high beta of 22 last FET.  But I did want to write a little about how "perfect" all of my past cycles have gone (not in a braggy sort of way that provokes comment slapping) and yet I'm still baby-less.  Maybe having the B team of embryos this time around will be my golden ticket (?)

The only thing I’ve found after a year of diagnostic tests is MTHFR mutation (a normal variant really given that 12% of the population has it!).  That's one  year of poking, prodding, testing, collecting, scrapping, and inserting...and EVERYTHING IS PERFECT (except I can't get pregnant).  To this day I still don't know WHAT it is I'm trying to overcome.  I'll save the frustration of "unexplained" infertility for anther post.  My HB has a clean reproductive bill of health.  And yet at this point…I’ve had three beautiful embryos gently inserted into my ute….and….nothing (two more waiting to be judged right now).  Through both our IVF and FET….everything has gone “perfectly” (and I’m glad that it has)…but this is more to make the point that even when everything goes “perfectly”(every time I hear it I want to vomit)….ART doesn't work for everyone…it hasn't worked for us.

My doomed perfection as a patient was clear from the first meeting with my RE (7/2012).  32 yo, at the time, no STD history, regular cycles with an LH surge etc. etc.  A few doses of “good ol clomid” and I’d be transferred to the OB before you know it (my RE really said this...WOW...if only I'd known). Fast forward to what for the most part was a smooth stim phase of IVF with 30 eggs recovered, 27 fertilized.  I did all the “right things”.  I went to weekly acupuncture, quit all caffeine (and alcohol of course), I took all the meds and injections on time every time, drake tons of Gatorade, and even did daily mediation (Circle and Bloom—I would recommend it if you're looking for guided medication CDs). 

I followed all of the recommendations and advice….but in the end….it didn't matter.  And that’s what I've learned after that experience and the failed FET….all of these little things that you do…I don’t believe they really matter at all.  I personally have come to believe that if it’s going to happen…it’s going to happen, period.  This is not to say that I don’t strictly follow my doctor’s instructions and medications.  BUT…it won’t matter if I eat Honey Smacks for breakfast or a shot of wheat grass.  It won’t matter if I lay flat post transfer for ½  a day or 5 days.  It won’t matter if I buy a baby item or not (but I’m still definitely NOT).

This segment of rant and rave is sponsored by self loathing…. because for awhile I kept thinking that I had done something wrong and it somehow was my fault.  But go back to previous paragraph….because it isn't.  At times I've thought some crazy $*&t….like there must be some lesson out there that I need to learn and then I’ll get pregnant.  I've thought that because our office (future nursery) is a hot mess that perhaps the imaginary baby doesn't feel welcomed into our home (seriously—I thought that).  Or the classic…I’m being punished for my past.

But that’s just it…I know that there is nothing more I can do.  The more I’m really able to accept that fact the more I can breathe a little bit easier.  After all…that is part of the whole point…when we’re totally done with the game of ART…I need to know I've done all that I can do…and so far…I have.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Transfer #3 Complete (T minus 1 wk)

Hello blog readers!  So it's done.  We completed FET#2 yesterday (transfer #3 total).  Everything went smoothly which has fortunately always been our experience.  The good news...my uterine lining is the "best it's ever looked" according to Dr. J (yippie).  BUT...our two embryos had only 60% viable cells left and had not yet expanded from the freeze...and so couldn't be graded.  So that's an "A" for lining but our embryos are from the B team.  Of course we are just so grateful to have frozen embryos AND they only had to defrost the two we transferred (so still have 3 in the deep freezer).  I was a lady of luxury yesterday and today but tomorrow it's back to reality.  I've watched hours of terrible TV and I've loved it!  Beta test is in one week!

We've kept all friends and family at an arm's length about the details of this cycle. My Mom has been the most inquisitive but I've just been evasive and basically said "we'll know by the beginning of July".  I should have yet another shipment of medication delivered today (estrace 2mg, estrogen patch, PIO injections daily, baby aspirin, and B vitamin supplement).  My booty is surviving the injections...definite bruises but my HB has been doing super slow injections (like over 60 seconds) and it definitely helps! :o)

So I guess I'm PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)...but I really don't like that term because...I'm just so tired of the universe taking PUPO as a challenge...and proving me otherwise.  Dear universe...PUPO is just my weak grasp on hope that this will be our miracle cycle.  The lining is great...my friend predicted our pregnancy in a dream...and I found a ladybug in our house (that's good luck right?).  I let him/her lose outdoors to fly free.  AND we tossed 2 nickles into Niagara Falls when we visited a few weeks ago (pics below and of fireworks from our hotel bed).  I also donated all my old medications to our infertility clinic because they give them to patients in need. I hope the meds are able to make someone else's dreams come true.  So I hope the universe takes all of those things into account this time around. :o)

In other worldly events...we went to my parent's house for Father's Day and enjoyed the lake and took a boat ride in the beautiful weather.  We had a delicious meal at an all vegetarian restaurant (yumyumyum).  I had all kinds of faux meat (calimari, duck, crab blossom, shrimp roll, and a drum stick with a sugar cane "bone).  I also found a big box turtle in our back yard and grabbed him up before he made it to the road.  I made him my pet for about 15 minutes...because I LOVE TURTLES...and then took him to some woods behind our house.

I know there are some ladies who have gotten their magical BFP and many other ladies in the blog world who are also rapidly approaching critical cycles so I just want to send everyone positive energy.


Saturday, June 15, 2013

Blogging…what have I learned in six weeks?

So far so good (I think).  To be the new kid on the blogging block kind of make me feel like Kip Drordy from Southpark’s Facebook episode (which is hilarious if you haven’t seen it).  I’ve also noticed that the other bloggers have encryption for leaving comments.  I didn’t think that I would need to protect myself from comments from robots.  But now that I’ve written it…the robots are going to read this and then post comments freely…so I’m guessing I should up my online security.

I’ve been amazed to learn that people can make money by selling advertisements on their blog.  I’ve learned that my number one “traffic source” is some weird site involving vampires that I’m not even allowed to open on my work computer (awesome).  At first this concerned me…but it hasn’t seemed to cause any problems (yet).  I can cohabitat the web with vampires and robots if they're respectful.  While I am starting to be able to navigate around the blog arena I’ve learned that copying and pasting from Microsoft word is like jenga with random font and spacing changes.  I am powerless over the spacing of my blog (and this annoys the crap out of me).   

I’ve tried to start participating in the blog world (not just stalking) by leaving comments.  I myself have had five different people comment on my blog (six counting me when I reply)…so that’s amazing to think that people (at least five!) have read this (yes…I realize that’s the point).  I love love love the blog roll because I know when everyone’s blogs get updated (instead of using my old list of favorites and clicking through each one).  I have FIVE followers (which makes me a leader...right?...uhhhh NO!)!  Yep…totally cool!  I’ve noticed that other bloggers do a good job of engaging the reader with a question/challenge.  Maybe I should do that?  Moving forward I definitely want to start including pictures!  But first I need to get a smart phone…yep…as of right now I still have an irrational death grip on my good ol’ indestructible flip phone.  But change is on the horizon…it always is.

In conclusion...thanks for reading.  Our second FET is Monday...I'll keep you all updated on our journey and wish you all the very best on yours.